June 27, 2011
Why do humans assume that I want to be petted and stroked and caressed and played with at all times of the day and night? If you see me taking a nap after strenuous playing with toys and other people's toes, please refrain from slobbering all over me. I'm taking A NAP. I do not wish to be disturbed. Like Greta Garbo said: "I vant to be alone". Being a well-mannered lady, I demurely move to another corner when this happens, but keep pestering me with your uncontrollable love and I don't promise you won't get a good bite one of these days.
June 28, 2011
Let's make something clear: just because I am a dog, doesn't mean I don't have standards. Just because I'm a dog, it doesn't mean that I'll eat that bone dry Puppy Chow and pretend it's the same as that dreamy paté and jambon du pays leftovers they brought the other day from Cafe Boulud. They cannot seriously think that I can't tell the difference. So if you are going to give me boiled ground beef (and I do appreciate that you got the natural Angus, and not the one with the antibiotics and shit), please be so kind as to sprinkle it with a little salt. I'm not saying use curry or fenugreek, I'm not asking for beef bourgignon but a little salt in the gray ground meat can do wonders for one's appetite. What makes them think that I'm going to stomach eating tasteless ground beef with melon?!!! The doctor said fruit? Ask him to eat that shit! Prosciutto with melon, by all means. But please, do not insult my intelligence with these disgusting foods. By the way, they don't give it to me, but the other day in the park someone spilled something divine called ice cream and I licked that asphalt until it was shiny. Also a baby spilled some apple juice, the slob, and it's not bad! They are never going to give me stuff like that, I can tell. But I'll get it where I can find it.