Monday, August 16, 2010

Poor Tourists Part II

Thanks to my friend Cynthia, who misses NYC so much she is now reading the New York Post, here is a lovely breakdown of everything that drives New Yorkers crazy.
I agree with all of them, and then some.
Here's my own abridged breakdown:
1. Street Fairs. I loathe them. They sell the same awful shit all over town, they create traffic and they leave garbage. Speaking of garbage, why is this city so goddamned filthy?
2. Honkers. Why this is not on the list is beyond me. People who honk should be paralyzed with a silencer. Forever.
2a. The noise level at restaurants. We don't have enough noise on the street that we need more inside? Bloomberg should fine restaurants with deafening decibel levels. Even better, close em.
3. People who block subway doors. Also: Men who sprawl themselves on the seats as if they were in a jacuzzi. People who sit their packages on the seats. People who get into the subway before letting people out. Young, sturdy people who do not give their seat to the pregnant or elderly. And I don't even use the subway that much.
3a. The MTA.
4. Slow walking tourists. Yeah. Those who walk 5 deep too. And who decide to look at their map pinkt on the corner, blocking everybody's way. Move to the side, dears.
5. Hipsters I hate more than panhandlers. And more than panhandlers I hate those dudes from Children International or Greenpeace who block the street with their moral loftiness, closely followed by the people who want to give you a free haircut. I also hate people who give free hugs. Creeps.
6. Cabdrivers on cellphones. Cabdrivers who brake as if they want to torpedo the passenger through the windshield. Cabdrivers who drive like maniacs. Cabdrivers who HONK. Stinky cabs. Also: people who steal your cab.
7. Surprised that no one mentioned parents with military style prams that yell "excuse me!" as if the very Son of God was bundled in there and was late to his appointment to save mankind. This is not the Red Sea and your son/daughter is not Moses. Chill.
7a. I don't mind film crews at all. I do mind idiot PAs with attitudes. 
8. Bike delivery guys I don't mind as long as they follow the rules and don't ride wrong way within inches of colliding with pedestrians. Oh, wait.
9. People who act deliberately crazy in Washington Square Park. We have plenty of authentic nutjobs down there. Don't be cute.
9a. Skateboarders in public spaces. Go to your room.
10. Drunks who leave bars in the wee hours and scream at the top of their lungs. Newsflash: people live in Manhattan, you idiots. Pipe down.
11. What's with the tip jars?
12. Big groups of girly girls on nights out who drink appletinis and start hollering as if they swallowed a microphone (same goes for guy-ey guys). Composure, ladies (and gents).
13. Staten Island. 
13 a. Rats. 

Having said this, I love New York.


  1. this is to much , I almost pee in my pants!!!!

  2. This *is* hilarious. But these are the New Yorkers doing this shit.

    Just spent two weeks there and totally agree with everything - all extraordinarily irritating. Yet it's the New Yorkers making the noise in the restaurants they've just spent 1 hour lining up outside of, it's the New York waiters who install the tip jars as well as demanding outrageously monumental tips, and it's the New Yorkers who walk 5 or 6 aside stretched across the pavement as they're strolling to a restaurant like they own the place...

    It was our first time back in 15 years and while we enjoyed it we realised why we hadn't had the urge to return sooner. Now, Austin, where we spent 2 weeks following New York, we just loved. That's a cool without being too hip city. We're in Mexico now and just discovered your blog through David Lida's. Definitely going to have a browse.


  3. tova in toronto3:20 PM

    New York??? That's Toronto you're describing, to a T!! And love your 'pinkt', altho I've always said 'punkt', but just shows the universality of yiddish.