Just in time for the subway strike...

...it's time to kvetch about the TLC: Those Lousy Cabs.
Our obscene dependence on slick, blood tainted, Middle Eastern oil (thanks, Syriana, for making it clear) made me reflect on our NYC yellow cabs, which guzzle gas like thirsty buffalo and are WAY too big for the narrow canyons of Manhattan.
I was just in Berlin, Germany, where the cabs are elegant, compact Mercedes (Mercedeses?), painted a soothing shade of beige (ok, no need to go that far), with posh black leather seats in purrfect condition, all immaculately clean both outside and in, as if they were expecting an inspection by the Fuhrer himself. There are no partitions, and except for one exception, they smelled of freshly washed car, and freshly scrubbed driver.
Or we could also sport cabs like those of my birthplace, Mexico City, little cute green VW beetles with the passenger front seat ripped out. They are energy and space efficient, and at least here we wouldn't have to worry about being kidnapped by the driver and a bunch of goons at knifepoint, like it happened to me some years ago. WHICH IS WHY I LIVE HERE TODAY. Really, they're super cute. Here they could all be yellow...
So, Memo to Mayor:
1. Get rid of these awful, huge, ugly ass Jurassic cars and use more compact models that are fuel efficient and take up less space on our already congested streets. Actually, while you're at it, ban all private passenger cars in Manhattan. And open up more bike lanes.
2. Can some cabs START their shift at 4 pm so we are not all stranded with our arms unfurled in the freezing cold or withering heat, while seemingly every cab in Manhattan has to go back to the garage?
3. Now, I am an average 5"4 and can barely squeeze my squat limbs inside a NYC cab. I shudder to think how people with longer legs manage. Since we're so proud of the fact that we've had an amazing crime drop, perhaps it is time to lose the partitions? Just a thought.
And last but not least:
5. Every time a cab driver honks, he gets an electric shock in the balls.
Thank you.