The Weekly Schedule in Hell

...according to our first guest blogger ever, friendly curmudgeon J.A. Prat:
(Comments on all caps by G.E., editor)

Unless otherwise noted, Coldplay is on 24/7 on the public sound system. All activities are compulsory.

Monday:
6 AM: Screening of the Star Wars trilogy.
12 Noon: Spinning class with Bjork.
1 PM: Lunch with Yoko. Choice of Swiss empanada or baked liver omelette.
2.30 PM:  “Paris is cool” a lecture by Wes Anderson (In French with English subtitles). 3.30 PM: “Wes is Cool”, a lecture by Jason Schwartzman (In French with no subtitles).
6.30 PM: Gallery Opening of “ Je m’appelle Jason”, a show of 77 large scale portraits of Jason Schwartzman.
7.45 PM: Cooking class with Gwyneth Paltrow, featuring a selection of poultry dishes, with special guest Chris Martin from Coldplay.
9.00 PM: Loop screening of Wes Anderson’s American Express commercial. 
11.30 PM: Phone charity drive with Bono.
12.30 PM: Lights out.

Tuesday:
6 AM: Screening of Matthew Barney’s epic “Cremaster Cycle”, presented by Bjork.
11 AM: The Plastic Ono band performs live, with guest stars Bono, and Chris Martin from Coldplay.
12 Noon: Brunch with The Edge and Yoko. Choice of Cod Macaroni or stuffed blue cheese chicken.
12.45 PM: A replay of The Who’s Superbowl Half-Time show.
1 PM: Bjork rehearsal and sound check.
3 PM: Screening of the Lord of The Rings Trilogy.
10 PM: Live reading of selected New York Times film reviews by  Manohla and A.O.
12 AM: Lights out.

Wednesday:
6 AM: Screening: a retrospective of Jason Schwartzman films.
4 PM: Coldplay live, featuring a selection of U2 classics.
7 PM: Avatar.
10 PM: Lights out.

Thursday:
6 AM:  “Wes and Sophia’s Paris”: a slideshow featuring the directors’ fave spots in the city of lights. In French, with simultaneous English translation by Jason Schwartzman.
10 AM: Meet and greet with Bjork.
12 Noon: Lunch with Celine Dion. Choice of chilly* fries with vinegar, or halibut seared steak with white pepper sauce. (*I'M NOT SURE IF THESE ARE GELID FRIES OR PLAIN CHILI FRIES WITH VINEGAR. HELLISH, EITHER WAY)
2 PM: Screening of Andrei Tarkovsky’s “Stalker”, with a live soundtrack performed by Bjork.
5 PM: Phone charity drive with Bono.
7 PM: A lecture by Jason Schwartzman on his role in Sophia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette. 
9 PM: New York Times film critic’s round table: Manohla, A.O., and guest David Denby.
12 AM: Lights out.

Friday:
7 AM: Double-feature screening: “Japón” by Carlos Reygadas, and Lars Von Trier’s “Dancer in the Dark”.
1 PM: Lunch with Lars. Choice of herring fillet or pulled pork danish.
3 PM: Pilates with Bjork.
4 PM: Wes Anderson design lecture. The director talks about his favorite objects.
8 PM: Roundtable:  Notable Parisians discuss Paris.
2 AM: Lights out.

Saturday
7 AM: Screening of Roman Coppola’s “CQ”.
9 AM: Royal Tenenbaums, The Broadway Musical.
11 AM: Live poetry reading by Chris Martin, from Coldplay.
1 PM: Yoko Ono lifetime achievement award ceremony.
5 PM: Karaoke with Bjork.
11 PM: Dinner with Hitler. Choice of creamed baked potato or horse sausage.
1 AM: Open house at the Ceaucescus.
2 AM: Lights out.

Sunday:
7 AM: A lecture by David Denby on his all-time favorite actresses.
10 AM: Sunday mass with gospel standards by Chris Martin from Coldplay.
12 PM: Guided tour with Yoko Ono: the parks of Bucharest.
12.30 PM: Romanian brunch with Bjork. Fixed menu.
2.30 PM: Avatar.
5.30 PM: Dances With Wolves.
8.00 PM: Avatar.
11.30 PM: Lights out.